I have a friend that’s always late, like literally always. I tried to put myself in his shoes because he’s got 2 small kids and that should be extremely exhausting, but I don’t think he even tries anymore.
I’m perpetually late. Trying to arrive on time to things I don’t occupies so much of my head. I try to build in buffer time for emergencies. And every single time I’m still late. I don’t even have two kids. If your friend is anything like me, arriving late fills him with guilt every single time, and the two kids are factors of chaos in planning that simply cannot ever be fully accounted for
Reframe the way you think. Stop trying to arrive on time, and just commit to arriving early. I’ve easily arrived an hour early to appointments and just lounged around on reddit or read a book. I’d rather waste an hour of my time, than 15 minutes of a friend’s (if you have an appointment with a group, multiply time you are late by # of people).
This is what we mean when we say people who are constantly late don’t care about wasting other people’s time. Even if they don’t intend it, they are still choosing to prioritise themselves over others.
I’m ADHD, I literally have to start preparing to leave an hour and half before I need to go in order to be on time to somewhere 15min away, and I’m still sometimes 10-15min late. Why? I have no sense of time, and I have been told that this is not something that I can fix. When I get focused on something, I no longer experience the passage of time. If I’m not focused on something, I can’t get anything done.
I can’t control this.
I’ve been told I shouldn’t feel bad about it because I can’t help it.
Would aggressive alarms be of any help to make sure you can get unfocused from the thing you’re focused on and moving to the “getting to the right place” part? I’ve “forgotten the time” when it’s just me setting a time for me to do something, but when I need to be somewhere for/with others I make sure to set my alarms earlier and more of them to keep myself from having “just enough time”. And I have to make sure I actually respect the alarms, I’ve made the error of thinking “I have 5 more minutes before I need to leave” so I just start leaving when the alarm goes off now.
I don’t know your exact situation, so this may not be of any help, but it may help someone, somewhere.
There is a straightforward, but not always simple for everyone, solution.
Communication.
If you’re always going to be late then either communicate a realistic time frame (eg, could be there between 1 and 3pm depending on how difficult the kids/traffic/knee pain etc is today)
You may not intend to but if you’re constantly late then you are disrespecting the other parties time and that’s not ok. Let them know what’s going on, let them make other choices, don’t tie them to a commitment you agreed to but can’t keep. Communication is key.
You’re allowed to be late, just set proper expectations and give people their time back.
My partner used to be very frustrating like that. She’d rock up 30-60 minutes late to do something and then always have reasons or excuses why, some better than others. All it takes is for you have the common courtesy to tell me, rather than leave me to get increasingly irritated over the course of an hour when I can basically do nothing. Thankfully, things improved a lot after some particularly crummy instances.
No one is perfect, nor should try to be. Asking someone to have enough consideration for others to not show up late to everything isn’t asking for perfection.
> We have zero idea what someone else is going through.
You’re right. That applies to you as well. Everyone has to put effort into showing up and most people have obstacles to deal with.
Sorry but your struggles aren’t more important than anyone else’s. Not less, but also not more. You’re not a martyr for showing up. If you struggle with physical or mental issues, I’m sorry, I hope you’re getting help and have a good support system.
Well, youd be surprised… I definitely know people that leave the house past the time they were supposed to be somewhere with a nonchalant attitude “theyll wait, its nbd”
No, almost all of us are trying to be on time. But that’s balanced by other concerns, like making sure we leave the house prepared, and taking public transit, and the needs of the people we’re leaving as well as the people we’re going to. There isn’t always an “earlier” we can leave by, and not everyone is in charge of their own schedule.
None of what you’re describing is “not trying to be on time”.
You’re describing an “all” situation using very specific events. You’re also describing a poorly planned arrangement if the time you’re expected to arrive at something is not realistic for you to be there. That’s different to someone not trying to be on time to something that they otherwise could be and aren’t.
That really depends on if it’s an exception or a consistent pattern.
I have a friend that’s always late, like literally always. I tried to put myself in his shoes because he’s got 2 small kids and that should be extremely exhausting, but I don’t think he even tries anymore.
I’m perpetually late. Trying to arrive on time to things I don’t occupies so much of my head. I try to build in buffer time for emergencies. And every single time I’m still late. I don’t even have two kids. If your friend is anything like me, arriving late fills him with guilt every single time, and the two kids are factors of chaos in planning that simply cannot ever be fully accounted for
Reframe the way you think. Stop trying to arrive on time, and just commit to arriving early. I’ve easily arrived an hour early to appointments and just lounged around on reddit or read a book. I’d rather waste an hour of my time, than 15 minutes of a friend’s (if you have an appointment with a group, multiply time you are late by # of people).
This is what we mean when we say people who are constantly late don’t care about wasting other people’s time. Even if they don’t intend it, they are still choosing to prioritise themselves over others.
An hour seems excessive but shoot for 15 minutes. That should be enough of a bigger in most situations.
I’m ADHD, I literally have to start preparing to leave an hour and half before I need to go in order to be on time to somewhere 15min away, and I’m still sometimes 10-15min late. Why? I have no sense of time, and I have been told that this is not something that I can fix. When I get focused on something, I no longer experience the passage of time. If I’m not focused on something, I can’t get anything done.
I can’t control this.
I’ve been told I shouldn’t feel bad about it because I can’t help it.
I feel horrible for it anyway.
Would aggressive alarms be of any help to make sure you can get unfocused from the thing you’re focused on and moving to the “getting to the right place” part? I’ve “forgotten the time” when it’s just me setting a time for me to do something, but when I need to be somewhere for/with others I make sure to set my alarms earlier and more of them to keep myself from having “just enough time”. And I have to make sure I actually respect the alarms, I’ve made the error of thinking “I have 5 more minutes before I need to leave” so I just start leaving when the alarm goes off now.
I don’t know your exact situation, so this may not be of any help, but it may help someone, somewhere.
Not really. Almost nobody sets out trying to be late.
But if you’re constantly late it means that you don’t care about wasting other people’s time… Kinda assholeish
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There is a straightforward, but not always simple for everyone, solution.
Communication.
If you’re always going to be late then either communicate a realistic time frame (eg, could be there between 1 and 3pm depending on how difficult the kids/traffic/knee pain etc is today)
You may not intend to but if you’re constantly late then you are disrespecting the other parties time and that’s not ok. Let them know what’s going on, let them make other choices, don’t tie them to a commitment you agreed to but can’t keep. Communication is key.
You’re allowed to be late, just set proper expectations and give people their time back.
My partner used to be very frustrating like that. She’d rock up 30-60 minutes late to do something and then always have reasons or excuses why, some better than others. All it takes is for you have the common courtesy to tell me, rather than leave me to get increasingly irritated over the course of an hour when I can basically do nothing. Thankfully, things improved a lot after some particularly crummy instances.
You don’t have to find apologies for everything. Blaming everything on “daemons” is just externalizing a problem so you don’t have to deal with it.
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It’s rarely as bad as it feels in the moment. And even if it is, it can and will get better with time
If you haven’t you should be seeking help. Professional help. It can get better.
That’s a good idea. Running away from your own problems seems to work fine for you.
Bro you aren’t my problem. If you’re deciding to be ignorant I’m just going to call my boundaries. That’s it.
No one is perfect, nor should try to be. Asking someone to have enough consideration for others to not show up late to everything isn’t asking for perfection.
> We have zero idea what someone else is going through.
You’re right. That applies to you as well. Everyone has to put effort into showing up and most people have obstacles to deal with.
Sorry but your struggles aren’t more important than anyone else’s. Not less, but also not more. You’re not a martyr for showing up. If you struggle with physical or mental issues, I’m sorry, I hope you’re getting help and have a good support system.
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Well, youd be surprised… I definitely know people that leave the house past the time they were supposed to be somewhere with a nonchalant attitude “theyll wait, its nbd”
Is that different to not trying to be on time?
No, almost all of us are trying to be on time. But that’s balanced by other concerns, like making sure we leave the house prepared, and taking public transit, and the needs of the people we’re leaving as well as the people we’re going to. There isn’t always an “earlier” we can leave by, and not everyone is in charge of their own schedule.
None of what you’re describing is “not trying to be on time”.
You’re describing an “all” situation using very specific events. You’re also describing a poorly planned arrangement if the time you’re expected to arrive at something is not realistic for you to be there. That’s different to someone not trying to be on time to something that they otherwise could be and aren’t.
I’m sure someone does but sure. But there’s a difference between someone who’s not trying to be late and someone who actually tries not to be late.
Someone who’s habitually late can’t be bothered to even try to respect your time. To me that’s a bit assholish.
There’s a skill component, too. A lot of ya are trying not to be late, trying to be early, even, but just are really bad at it.