I’m an introvert and I like going to work to do my job and go home. I don’t understand people who use a job as a substitute for friendship or marriage. It’s a means to an end.
The sooner I do my duties, the longer my downtime is going to be, and I love having my downtime.
Many of my colleagues see me and immediately start asking questions I don’t want to answer, but neither do I want to hurt their feelings, I mostly want to be left alone. In the past this has been deconstructed as arrogance and people with fragile egos feel insulted by my indifference to them and that I prefer to work than to talk to them.
The world is made by extroverts. I have observed that people are eager to help you if you give them attention. I don’t get it, but neither I’m not going to change how extroverts think or feel.
If I give them the attention they need for as long as they need it I’m going to end up with daily headaches and neither my job nor theirs is going to be done.
I want to appear approachable, but keeping the info I feed them to a minimum. How do I do that?
What do you talk about to your coworkers?
What do you say to stop conversation organically? (meaning they don’t get offended).
Most people really aren’t that interested in you, they just expect a certain level of acknowledgement. You don’t have to be entertaining, just ask a few basic questions like ‘How’s the family?’ or ‘Big plans for the holiday?’
You’re probably spending more time trying to stay away from people then you’d have to spend actually interacting with them.
But if you absolutely refuse to talk to people, just keep a clipboard with you all the time. If they come over pretend you’re taking notes.
That’s exactly it. I think one of the reason many people who struggle with small talk is because they take these conversations at face value. It doesn’t matter if you don’t care about how their family is doing, you’re not asking because you want the information. You’re asking because the question itself means “I respect you as a peer and am showing interest in you”.
And it’s also why the answers don’t generally matter. They don’t care what you’re really doing for your holidays, just give a simple but positive response “just looking forward to getting some rest!”, “going to see my family”. If you show you’re interested in them, and you respond to their questions that’s enough for most people. Even if those questions and answers are completely vacuous.
Also, if you do engage with people, you’re more likely to find the ones you actually have something in common with.
The thing that bugs me the most about people is that they can’t just say what they want or do the things that clearly convey what they want most of the time. The main approach to social interaction is testing people to find out if other people match whatever they were taught was the ‘right’ way to do things and then judging the shit out of anyone who slightly strays from that expectation.
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Interesting that “hello, how was your weekend” and listening to a 10 second answer has such a high emotional cost for you. And this comment is from an introvert.
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Yes. Most people don’t have the awareness of a lot of what’s been said in the comments or they suspend it in their daily lives. They do what they feel is right and since most were socialised in a similar way the signal-response expectations match. Then a certain rapport can be formed by the empty interactions borne out of the semi-conscious feeling that it’s “right” or “nice” to initiate a small talk and respond to it in kind. In this way indeed most of us are like 15 yo girls, just somewhat more serious and self-controlled.
If I were in a condescensing mood I’d say humans generally are bots following Pavlov’s reaction patterns imprinted during upbringing. But this would be a severe oversimplification and a little a-hole talking through me.
Thanks for that, never thought of it that way.
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It’s not a waste of time. It builds a background relationship which you can then leverage to get things done. It is social capital. Negotiation lubricant.
Yes, fake it. It will be valuable when you need a favor, or information, or even when you want to ask your boss for a raise.
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Most people act emotionally, not rationally.
When you find an autistic boss, they’ll appreciate your silence and logic, until then, play the game.
That is not the correct way to think about that. They are evaluating you, too. Humans are social animals. Your interactions will determine where you stand in the social hierarchy.
Like others have said, it is useful. Its useful I know the names of my bosses children, maybe even when their birthdays are. People like it when you remember details about them, and it also helps you understand them more which can lead to better workflows.