YO, my mom did this to me! In fact I figured a lot of this shit out when I found r/raisedbynarcissists. I saw a lot of people there claimed to be on the spectrum which I thought was pretty weird. So I follow the rabbit hole and I learn about PTSD, CPTSD and I start seeing a therapist about it. Turns out she just didn’t want to be responsible for fucking up her kid.
No it’s more likely that my emotionally and financially abusive car stealing, gaslighting, steal-money-out-of-my-wallet-while-I’m-sleeping parent just didn’t want to be held accountable for her shitty “parenting.” Also the multiple expert evaluations that say I’m not diagnosably autistic. But I guess I should listen to the guy that analyzes people’s mental health based on a four sentence internet post uninvited, right?
But I guess I should listen to the guy that analyzes people’s mental health based on a four sentence internet post uninvited, right?
I think you don’t really mean these words and you are subconsciously projecting the feelings you feel towards your mother onto an unknown person on the Internet.
I can see that you did not mean anything offensive by it. However, I have had similar things happening to me (misdiagnosis of autism so my parents did not have to take responsibility for tramuatising me) and I might have responded similarly.
When someone imposes a diagnosis on you that is wrong and does it for selfish reasons, when you are a child, it is very harmful. It hurts your feeling of self worth to the core and makes you constantly question yourself and who you are. It takes a lot of strength to stop the selfdoubt and finally conclude that you do not have autism and that what you feel and think is correct and not what you have been told all your life by the people you were supposed to be able to trust. That is really a very difficult thing to do, because the anxiety that something is “wrong” with you after all is always there. It takes courage.
If you have been struggling with questioning yourself in this way and if you state that you are not autistic after all, then it is difficult to deal with a response suggesting that you might be wrong. That is almost painful.
I know that you did not mean it that way. There is no way you could have known if this is something you have no experience with. Also, I cannot say something about why someone else responds in a certain way. I might be wrong about that. However, when I read your question, I immediately got quite triggered as well. I guess I just wanted to explain where a response like this can come from in some cases.
Yoooo, I’m AuDHD and my father was a raging narcissist (possibly psychopath). Additionally, I’m currently recovering from CPTSD after a hell of a lot of recent emotional abuse. I get the intense emotions feeling invalidated brings up. They’re legit and justified. As a survivor of that insane childhood and environment, it hurts to see others go through it because I know how bad it can be. Other people will never be able to understand it if they even believe you, so I’m sorry you went through that. You were just a kid, and no matter your reactions and behaviors at the time, it wasn’t your fault. It couldn’t have been your fault because it’s all you knew.
Sometimes though, people are only asking a question to gather information and clarify, not build a case against you, imply that you’re “wrong”, and make you look like the “crazy one”. I can’t speak on their behalf, but I think @candyman337@sh.itjust.works was just asking to understand better and didn’t mean anything against you by it. If that’s the case, then while your reaction makes complete sense, you might have better outcomes if you were to practice assessing situations and responding in a way that helps you reach your goals. This would give you more control over your life while compassionately validating yourself. It would also help you avoid the trap that narcissists lay when they trigger you to act out to make you look unhinged. So either way, unless you’re in immediate physical danger, staying calm and collected is the best move.
Also, my intention is merely to help you. I am not trying to insult you, imply fault, or make any judgement on your character. We all make mistakes sometimes (I still make them all the time), so it is completely understandable. All it means is that you’re trying, and that’s something to be proud of considering the history of what you’ve been through. I hope this comment helps you ❤️
Really‽ Can you help me understand how? I’m not offended in anyway at all. I would just like to gain some awareness of how my communication is perceived by others, so I think it would be helpful for me to understand your perspective. I know that people can be reserved because they feel cautious with intercultural topics, so if you feel more comfortable, feel free to DM instead. Whatever works for you 🙂
you are trying to be very neutral, you try to put your ego aside, you try to weigh every tiny aspect of the thing that bothers you, you seem very logical about it, you dont know how to prioritze in importan or not important, you DID assess the social situation expertly and correct, you bothered doing that in the first place, you seem big on truth and justice, you tried to help the dude out of compassion because you obviously had or have communication problems yourself,
you have been manipultaded because you are naive as shit, took you decades to learn to say no and set boundaries.
and bla bla bla
one tip: a no has to have consequences. really think about it, you have to follow up you no with action, its very important.
its not your communication per se that reminds ME of autism, but your way with dealing with situations.
thanks and take care, you are a cool dude (or dudette)
watch out for:
friends don’t accept no, try to convince you (once in a while that okay… its hard to sniff out)
people argue via the benefits YOU will have, without mentioning THEIR benefits, and you don’t even want the benefits they are trying to sell you
you defend people in your friend group, people never defend you
people always seem ok with interrupting you, no one bothers to put a stopgap in, so you can finish what you have in mind
let people talk, while thinking. people will tell you who they are, but you have to give yourself space to really listen to them.
mostly, their words dont fit into their actions.
look out for key phrases - one might be: "So you are saying? " this is usually followed by a thing you did not say at all. another might be: “I am so sorry you feel that way.”
train your self for these key phrases, ALARMS have to go on in your head. Have a script ready.
What i do for the “so you are saying” is the following:
I bid them politely and soft spoken to repeat the question, as soon as they are past 3 words, I interrupt them really loud and aggressive with:
“NO, I DID NOT SAY THAT AT ALL!”
then I shut up and stare. I say nothing. the other guy has to say something first. it is a powerstruggle.
You can’t do that with a pro, but most people are not used to that. A pro will see instantly see what is going on, and put you down, it is inevitable.
learn in what situation you are in.
combative, social, competetive, diplomacy or bartering. dont make my mistake, each and every situation was always social for me.
other people dont perceive it like that.
ok, I am glad you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. (figure of speech)
It’s just that some of us are autistic and have had wrong parenting, only due to various kinds of stigma our parents, on the contrary, only looked for confirmation that we (and them) are “normal”. So please consider that.
Do you have evidence that that would be more or less common than the other relevant comparisons (i.e., everyone, and people raised by shitty parents)?
If you don’t, the “possible” argument is blind speculation, and that’s inappropriate in these situations. Many things are possible in this world, my friend, but we mostly care about what’s probable and then what’s true
The same thing happened to me. I did not know it is a common thing! I was told I am autistic, but it turns out I have CPTSD. I think telling me I was autistic it was just an easy was to blame the ways in which I responded to being traumatised on me again.
YO, my mom did this to me! In fact I figured a lot of this shit out when I found r/raisedbynarcissists. I saw a lot of people there claimed to be on the spectrum which I thought was pretty weird. So I follow the rabbit hole and I learn about PTSD, CPTSD and I start seeing a therapist about it. Turns out she just didn’t want to be responsible for fucking up her kid.
Is it not common for people with autism to develop cptsd though? It could be possible you have both right?
No it’s more likely that my emotionally and financially abusive car stealing, gaslighting, steal-money-out-of-my-wallet-while-I’m-sleeping parent just didn’t want to be held accountable for her shitty “parenting.” Also the multiple expert evaluations that say I’m not diagnosably autistic. But I guess I should listen to the guy that analyzes people’s mental health based on a four sentence internet post uninvited, right?
I think you don’t really mean these words and you are subconsciously projecting the feelings you feel towards your mother onto an unknown person on the Internet.
Here’s some cocain to calm your nerves.
Yes it was a genuine innocent inquiry. Didn’t mean to offend.
I don’t want to be mean, but their name is Jerkface.
yeah, but the other guy is CANDYMAN candyman candyman upps
I can see that you did not mean anything offensive by it. However, I have had similar things happening to me (misdiagnosis of autism so my parents did not have to take responsibility for tramuatising me) and I might have responded similarly.
When someone imposes a diagnosis on you that is wrong and does it for selfish reasons, when you are a child, it is very harmful. It hurts your feeling of self worth to the core and makes you constantly question yourself and who you are. It takes a lot of strength to stop the selfdoubt and finally conclude that you do not have autism and that what you feel and think is correct and not what you have been told all your life by the people you were supposed to be able to trust. That is really a very difficult thing to do, because the anxiety that something is “wrong” with you after all is always there. It takes courage.
If you have been struggling with questioning yourself in this way and if you state that you are not autistic after all, then it is difficult to deal with a response suggesting that you might be wrong. That is almost painful.
I know that you did not mean it that way. There is no way you could have known if this is something you have no experience with. Also, I cannot say something about why someone else responds in a certain way. I might be wrong about that. However, when I read your question, I immediately got quite triggered as well. I guess I just wanted to explain where a response like this can come from in some cases.
I see now how my question could be taken as a malicious one, I do apologize, thanks for explaining.
No apologies necessary, in my opinion. You did not mean anything negative and you did not know. I just wanted to explain the other side.
Yoooo, I’m AuDHD and my father was a raging narcissist (possibly psychopath). Additionally, I’m currently recovering from CPTSD after a hell of a lot of recent emotional abuse. I get the intense emotions feeling invalidated brings up. They’re legit and justified. As a survivor of that insane childhood and environment, it hurts to see others go through it because I know how bad it can be. Other people will never be able to understand it if they even believe you, so I’m sorry you went through that. You were just a kid, and no matter your reactions and behaviors at the time, it wasn’t your fault. It couldn’t have been your fault because it’s all you knew.
Sometimes though, people are only asking a question to gather information and clarify, not build a case against you, imply that you’re “wrong”, and make you look like the “crazy one”. I can’t speak on their behalf, but I think @candyman337@sh.itjust.works was just asking to understand better and didn’t mean anything against you by it. If that’s the case, then while your reaction makes complete sense, you might have better outcomes if you were to practice assessing situations and responding in a way that helps you reach your goals. This would give you more control over your life while compassionately validating yourself. It would also help you avoid the trap that narcissists lay when they trigger you to act out to make you look unhinged. So either way, unless you’re in immediate physical danger, staying calm and collected is the best move.
Also, my intention is merely to help you. I am not trying to insult you, imply fault, or make any judgement on your character. We all make mistakes sometimes (I still make them all the time), so it is completely understandable. All it means is that you’re trying, and that’s something to be proud of considering the history of what you’ve been through. I hope this comment helps you ❤️
ha,** thar’s** an autistic answer me gusta
Really‽ Can you help me understand how? I’m not offended in anyway at all. I would just like to gain some awareness of how my communication is perceived by others, so I think it would be helpful for me to understand your perspective. I know that people can be reserved because they feel cautious with intercultural topics, so if you feel more comfortable, feel free to DM instead. Whatever works for you 🙂
you are trying to be very neutral, you try to put your ego aside, you try to weigh every tiny aspect of the thing that bothers you, you seem very logical about it, you dont know how to prioritze in importan or not important, you DID assess the social situation expertly and correct, you bothered doing that in the first place, you seem big on truth and justice, you tried to help the dude out of compassion because you obviously had or have communication problems yourself,
you have been manipultaded because you are naive as shit, took you decades to learn to say no and set boundaries.
and bla bla bla
one tip: a no has to have consequences. really think about it, you have to follow up you no with action, its very important.
its not your communication per se that reminds ME of autism, but your way with dealing with situations.
thanks and take care, you are a cool dude (or dudette)
wowwwww~ thank you! I’m saving this comment.
thanks a lot ;-)
remember saying no has to have consequences!
watch out for: friends don’t accept no, try to convince you (once in a while that okay… its hard to sniff out)
people argue via the benefits YOU will have, without mentioning THEIR benefits, and you don’t even want the benefits they are trying to sell you
you defend people in your friend group, people never defend you
people always seem ok with interrupting you, no one bothers to put a stopgap in, so you can finish what you have in mind
let people talk, while thinking. people will tell you who they are, but you have to give yourself space to really listen to them.
mostly, their words dont fit into their actions.
look out for key phrases - one might be: "So you are saying? " this is usually followed by a thing you did not say at all. another might be: “I am so sorry you feel that way.”
train your self for these key phrases, ALARMS have to go on in your head. Have a script ready.
What i do for the “so you are saying” is the following:
I bid them politely and soft spoken to repeat the question, as soon as they are past 3 words, I interrupt them really loud and aggressive with:
“NO, I DID NOT SAY THAT AT ALL!”
then I shut up and stare. I say nothing. the other guy has to say something first. it is a powerstruggle.
You can’t do that with a pro, but most people are not used to that. A pro will see instantly see what is going on, and put you down, it is inevitable.
learn in what situation you are in.
combative, social, competetive, diplomacy or bartering. dont make my mistake, each and every situation was always social for me.
other people dont perceive it like that.
ok, I am glad you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. (figure of speech)
i had a hard time also. i whish you a good week!
It’s just that some of us are autistic and have had wrong parenting, only due to various kinds of stigma our parents, on the contrary, only looked for confirmation that we (and them) are “normal”. So please consider that.
This response feels autistic.
Do you have evidence that that would be more or less common than the other relevant comparisons (i.e., everyone, and people raised by shitty parents)?
If you don’t, the “possible” argument is blind speculation, and that’s inappropriate in these situations. Many things are possible in this world, my friend, but we mostly care about what’s probable and then what’s true
The same thing happened to me. I did not know it is a common thing! I was told I am autistic, but it turns out I have CPTSD. I think telling me I was autistic it was just an easy was to blame the ways in which I responded to being traumatised on me again.