You know the one. The dumb joke you chuckled at that now just comes out unbidden at random times.
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“Try not to suck any dicks on the way to the parking lot!”
In a row?
Homer Simpson thinking to himself:
“Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut.”
“$20 can buy many peanuts.”
“Explain how.”
“Money can be exchanged for goods and services.”
I think at least one part of this exchange to myself almost every time I buy anything.
My favorite Homer quote has always been
“Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?”
There’s always the classic
“Alcohol the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems”
And the awesome “But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel; when he’s holding a gun.”
My wife and I quote this so often!
You might say he’s barking up the wrong bush.
Who are you and how did you get in here?
I’m a locksmith and I’m a locksmith.
That reminded me of another one. Someone says to someone else “You’re stupid and ugly!”. Their response, “I am not ugly!”.
“Supplise!”
Its from this dumb racist joke I heard as a kid:
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, “You’re in charge of sweeping.”
To the Scotsman he says, “You’re in charge of shovelling.”
And to the Chinese man he says, “You’re in charge of supplies.”
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?”
He replies “I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.”
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”
He replied, “Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel’ a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin’ him onywhar.”
The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…
“SUPPLISE!”
30 years later my partner and mother of my 2 children is Asian. Despite her best efforts her English is not great. We are a bilingual household, and this type of silly mis-spoken word thing comes up a lot.
Every time I read the word “supplies”, like yesterday my printer alerted me that I need to order supplies, I have a little chuckle imagining an Asian guy jumping out and surprising me.
Its lame. Its based on a racist stereotype. I dont make fun of people with language difficulties. But I will always find this joke worth a chuckle.
This reminds me of the classic:
“We’re sinking! We’re sinking!”
“Zis is ze German Coastguard. Vat are you sinking about?”
A far simpler version that my kids enjoy:
“What does the janitor say when he jumps out of the closet?”
This was used to great effect in UHF with Weird Al.
Replying to you so you can come back and see that folks posted the gif for that.
Don’t beat yourself over it, the joke is hilarious. I think transgressive jokes require you to be really careful about your audience to:
- Not hurt or offend a member of a vulnerable population
- Not reinforce harmful stereotypes in people too dumb to tell jokes from reality
- Not make racists think you approve of their worldview
That usually leaves only the family and closest friends, if you’re lucky. That being said some of those jokes are absolutely excellent, especially those that refer to neutral characteristics, such as an accent.
So hiding like that would make him a Secret Asian Man? (That misheard song lyric is one that I can’t forget.)
Someone: mentions their sore throat
Me: “what? from sucking all the dick?”
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs? A mathemachicken.
Thank you, made me chuckle
Always results in an eyeroll and a laugh/snort/grumble about it being the stupidest joke, but I love it.
-“Anyway, your immunity Is due to the fact that you lack the delta brain wave. It’s a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time And performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather.”
-“I did do the nasty in the past-y.”
Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!
So I really am important? How I feel when I’m drunk is correct?
Thanks to xkcd, whenever someone says “blank-ass blank” I mentally move the hyphen over, and depending on the person, if they say “that’s a big-ass ball” I’ll ask them “what’s an ass-ball? And why is it big?”
I do this one too!
“Oh no, not again” from the paragraph:
"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
Where is this from. It sounds amazing.
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And yes, it is amazing.
As someone else replied, it’s from the first book in a 5 book trilogy where the first book shares a name with the series: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or HHGTTG for short.
It is absolutely brilliant. The petunia paragraph is preceeded by this, for more go read/listen to the books.
It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a sperm whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. But since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought as it fell: ‘Ahhh! Whoa! What’s happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What’s my purpose in life? What do I mean by ‘who am I’? Okay, okay, calm down, calm down, get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? It’s a sort of a tingling in my… well, I suppose I better start finding names for things. Let’s call it a… tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what’s this roaring sound, whooshing past what I’m suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It’ll do. Yeah, this is really exciting! I’m dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There’s an awful lot of that now, isn’t it? And what’s this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like ‘Ow’, ‘Ownge’, ‘Round’, ‘Ground’! That’s it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it’ll be friends with me? Hello Ground!’
Why can you never have more that one egg?
Cause one egg is Un œuf (enough)My favourite bilingual joke. It’s so silly, it’s so fantastic
I’ve heard a lot of people like the Musee d’Orsay, but I found the architecture to be a little garish.
Oo I like that one! Here’s one of my favs!
Two cats are going to try crossing a river. One is named “One Two Three Cat” and the other is named “Un Deux Trois Cat.”
Which kitty makes it across?
Answer:
One Two Three Cat. . .Because “Un Deux Trois Cat Sank!” :( XD
One I’ve heard around a few times is “What if Soy milk is just Spanish milk introducing itself?”
Many years ago I hung out with an old man that when asked him what he thought about a subject and he had no real input he would answer “I think a sack of flour would make a big biscuit!”
That will stay in my head forever.
I love old man non sequiturs. My dad’s response to a toddler asking him why over and over again is “because I’m building a bicycle made of bananas,” which tends to produce a perfect koan moment and break the question cycle
I feel enlightened having learned a new word, koan, today!
And the toddler was immediately enlightened.
One of my old coworkers at a previous job, I forget the exact context, but when he was asked to do something:
“Hey [Name], can you get this done?”
“Can the Pope’s dick fit through a donut?”
“… I don’t know?”
“Exactly 😎 👉 👉”
(The original is in swedish, so this is obviously translated)
Let’s see said the blind man to the deaf man
Argentinian here, I’ve heard that one too, it sounds better in Spanish (as I presume happens in Swedish). “Veremos”, le dijo el ciego al sordo.
In English, we have something similar:
“‘I see,’ said the blind man to his deaf friend.”
Isn’t the next line usually: “And then he picked up his hammer and saw”
Thr one I’ve always heard is: “I see”, said the blind man with a hammer and saw.
That’s likely incomplete because the relatives I always heard it from…are not paragons of higher education, or scondary, or primary for that matter.
“I see said the blind man to the dead dog” is what I’ve always heard. Definitely a fave
“What’s brown and sticky?”
“A stick.”
This one’s been doing the rounds in my family for as long as I can remember.
That’s a good one. I heard that the same time as my personal favorite
“Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?”
spoiler
“Because it was dead”
What’s green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.
Why’d the second monkey fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___it was stapled to the first.
Why’d the third monkey fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___peer pressure
Why’d the lemur fall out of the tree?
spoiler
___thought it was a monkey.
I smiled.
“What’s big brown and sticky?”
“A big stick”
“What’s brown, and hurts if it falls on you from a tree?”
“A piano”
Whenever I am out and about I will eventually see someone doing something with a step-ladder. I walk up to them and say “Is that your step-ladder?”. They’ll look at me a little odd but answer yes. Then I ask them, “Did you ever know your real ladder?”. Then we usually both laugh/chuckle and I go about my day. Been doing it for years.
